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The following are excerpts from the book You
Are Worthless:  Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom
Sure to Ruin Your Day
by Dr. Oswald T. Pratt
and Dr. Scott Dikkers (of
The Onion).  Here's a
Chapter list:

*  Your Worthless Self
*  Your Good-for-Nothing Friends
*  All the Other Idiots
*  The Nightmare That Is Love
*  The Goddamned Kids
*  Your Annoying Pets
*  Your Miserable Job
*  Your Faith:  What Has It Ever Brought You But
Grief?
*  Life:  What's The Use?
*  Hopeless Role Models From History

I've pulled out some of my favorites below, but
believe me, the book has so many more that are
funny, and based on the topic area of interest to
you, it could really make your day (if it's your
type of thing, that is).

_______________________________________

The law of averages would suggest that at some
point in your life, someone has referred to you
as "that idiot."

When people reflect on the world and say,
"There's so many stupid people in the world,"
they're talking about you.

I would be willing to wager that at some point
your mother was holding you, looking at you,
saying to herself, "What was I thinking?"

What do you really get from your friends?  Most
of them are just like you, anyway.  And that
seems like a pretty boring setup.

Beyond mere attraction, how do you expect
someone to actually fall in love with you?  Why,
the notion is preposterous.

You have nothing to offer a potential mate.

The Nine Stages of Love:
1) Attraction
2) Infatuation
3) Surrender
4) Commitment
5) Malaise
6) Attraction to Others
7) Jealousy
8) Abandonment
9) Heartbreak

No one will ever love you as much as your
mother did.  And her love for you completely
fucked you up, let's face it.

You know when you're brokenhearted and
pining for your lost love and sobbing and
blubbering all the time?  Well, you look pathetic
when you're doing that.

During sex, you are an unattractive, heaving
mass that leaves its partner feeling as though he
or she has been attacked by a walrus.

If you have a cat in your house, that means you
also have a box of shit in your house.

If you have a dog, that means you have to
follow your dog around with a plastic bag and
scoop up its steaming feces with your bare
hands.

Birds are nothing but cold, prickly squaking and
pooping machines.  You might as well have a pet
bat.

God never makes mistakes.  You can support
almost any proposition with a quote from the
Bible.  But wait, a directly contradictory quote
can always be found in a different part of the
Bible.  I guess God makes a shitload of mistakes.

God wasn't the only one who forsook you in
your time of need.  Buddha didn't show up.  
Neither did the Virgin Mary, the Dalai Lama,
Zeus, or any of those guys.

Jesus doesn't really love you.  He just loves the
way he feels when you're around.

God really seems to get off on all that
worshipping.  That's gotta make you wonder.

Maybe you should take a moment to be thankful
for everything God has given to you:  like all your
misery, heartbreak, personal loss, and
impending death.

"Dear God, I understand that if I fail to believe
in  you, I'll burn in Hell for all eternity.  Thanks
for being such a good sport about it."